Does people pleasing prevent people from trusting you? Because I am inherently a people person (read: people pleaser), I spent a good portion of my life and energy trying to make sure people like me. Sometimes, in my younger years, this involved being agreeable and telling people what I knew they wanted to hear—even if it was not completely the truth or even if it was a lie. The Colonel taught me that “Trust is built on telling the truth, not telling people what they want to hear.”
As often as he said that, though, it didn’t sink in immediately. It wasn’t until the middle of my treatment for bulimia that I realized the truth is an uncompromising constant. It doesn’t change based on what people want to hear. It just is. Every time you tell a lie, you have to remember what you told to whom. Eventually, that becomes unmanageable. Even “little bitty white lies” (like, “the check is in the mail,” “I was just getting started on that” when you hadn’t even thought about it, or the perennial “Oh, I’d love to, but I have plans”) should not become a habit; they build a tenuous platform of glass that can easily crack if pushed on too aggressively. Don’t say you’d love to if you wouldn’t—and if you say you have plans, you’d better have plans. Because even if you make plans after the fact, when it came out of your mouth it was a lie, and that compromises the fabric of your integrity.
The challenging trick of leadership is finding a way to tell the truth in a manner that is easily digestible to the listener. Doing that is very different, however, than telling them what they want to hear. Sometimes, the truth can be hard—but it should not be harsh. Finding a way to communicate hard truths without making the listener feel attacked, discounted or demeaned requires skill and practice. It’s a skill that is essential to significant leadership. Building a reputation as one who always tells the truth—even hard truths—without being harsh will build solid trust from your team.
Read Lauren’s Whitepaper on The Nine Essentials of Significant Leadership.